Chapter 3
Itou, Makoto* opened the door to his apartment and switched on the over head light. "Asuka!" He called. Ashamed that he was glad when he didn't get an answer. It was because he would be able to sneak a few smokes and maybe a beer or two without being hassled, he rationalized, just like any other ordinary man, sometimes you just needed time alone, away from the little misses to indulge in private pleasures.
Without thinking he slipped off his shoes in the front hall and put on his slippers before walking across the small living room to the double glass doors of the concrete balcony. Tossing his jacket and briefcase down on the conservative couch as he went. His hand was already on the ridged metal handle of the door before he remembered that he had neither smoke nor beer. He let go of the door handle and went to the kitchen, the apartment was small and it only took him twelve strides to reach the refrigerator.
He opened the door and perused the contents as he loosed his tie. A bowel of rice covered with plastic wrap, a few plastic containers with take out, a package of raw beef, enough ingredients to make stir fried beef for dinner, one of the only meals that he had mastered over the last year. On the bottom shelf was the beer. Three different kinds, all in bottles, he had a vague idea that he might have preferred to drink cheaper beer, the kind that came in a can, but Asuka insisted on the imported bottled beers. If her husband was going to be a beer drinker he had to do it with some resemblance of class, she also expected him to pour the beer into a glass before indulging. But what she couldn't see couldn't hurt her, Makoto used a knife to pop the metal top off the beer he had grabbed and took a long pull of the amber liquid from the bottle as he opened the freezer and took out the package of cigarettes that he kept in there.
It was strange, he mused as he walked back to the small balcony, he had no memories that were more than a year old, but he knew he had been a beer drinker and a smoker. He tried very hard, for Asuka, to do neither too often, but the strength of the cravings for both vices was so strong that he knew he must have used both heavily in his past life. His need for them an indication that he must have lived a very different lifestyle from the comfortable middle class existence that he had with his wife.
The night air out on the balcony was chilly, a hint of winter still in the air. He lit his cigarette with a match, he only allowed himself a few of the cancer sticks a week and so he had never bought a lighter. It would be the first step to becoming a serious smoker, and Asuka would never tolerate that. The feel of the warm bitter smoke filling his lungs was like a greeting from an old friend and he savored it, holding the smoke in, letting the taste roll over his tongue. The combination of beer and cigarettes might very well be the greatest thing that he had ever tasted.
"Yo, Makoto," A friendly voice called from the balcony to his right.
Makoto turned to see a middle aged man, slightly over weight and balding standing on a balcony identical to his. The man was also smoking a cigarette. "Good evening Yasou." Makoto greeted his neighbor.
"It seems we are both abandoned by our better halves," Yasou used his arm to indicate the empty dark apartment behind him. "My Kishi is off visiting her sister for the weekend, where is your lovely wife?"
Makoto shrugged, Asuka worked long hours at the hospital, often having to stay long past the scheduled end of her shift if there was an emergency, coming home to an empty house was not unusual for him. "Still at work I suppose."
"Ah you should watch that one," Yasou warned, "she might find herself a doctor and leave your sorry butt." Yasou liked to tease his neighbor and usually Makoto liked to be teased.
"She will never leave me," Makoto retorted slyly, willing allowing himself to be baited by the older man, the normal beginning to the odd ritual they shared while smoking on the porch, but as he said it the truth of the words killed Makoto's appreciation of the game. The balcony suddenly seemed too small.
Makoto crushes out his cigarette and drinks the last of his beer, "I have to go start dinner."
"Makoto," Yasou sounds suddenly serious, "I was only joking. I did not mean to upset you."
"You didn't." Makoto turns and walks back into his apartment, leaving his confused friend out in the dark. He suddenly needs another drink. He wishes that there was something stronger than beer in the apartment, but since there is not beer will have to do. He opens a second bottle and drinks the whole thing in three long gulps, then he takes out another and does the same.
The buzz of the alcohol relaxes him and he carefully places the three empty beer bottles under a layer of trash in the garbage, not wanting Asuka to see how many drinks he has had in such a short time. Of course if she bothered to look at the bottom shelf she would immediately notice the dent he had made in the bottles there, Asuka keeps an eye on the bottles and how quickly they disappeared.
He doesn't let himself think about this, instead he begins to concentrate on making dinner. As he cuts the meat he tries to force himself to calm down. It has happened to him before, the sudden sensation that he might have made a terrible mistake. That maybe he had another wife somewhere else, that maybe he had children who were now without their father. That he had jumped into his marriage too quickly.
He loved Asuka, he knew that he did, but he also knew that the base of that love stemmed from her love for him. After he had woken in the hospital with no memories of who he was he had been terrified. Asuka had been there for him then, always coming into his room after her shift was over to check on him, always showing up outside when he went to walk the hospital grounds. She had been a pillar of support for him and he had gladly used her as his new foundation. When he had been released from the hospital it had been Asuka who offered him a place to stay, who had helped him to find a job, who had given him his new name.
But sometimes he could not escape the feeling that he had left something very vital behind and if he were ever to remember his past he would return to it, like a moth drawn to a flame, leaving the woman who had done so much for him behind. Asuka loved him more than he loved her, of that he had no false assumptions. He was happy but he knew that there was something in him that was not completely fulfilled and if he were ever to find it he would have no choice but to try and reclaim it as his own and in doing so he would cause Asuka a pain so deep that he did not think she would be able to recover from it.
When he had the meat cooking on the stove he lit a cigarette and sat down at the small kitchen table, consequences be damned. He couldn't bring himself to go back out onto the balcony, Yasou might still be out there, the man spent as much time on his balcony as he did in his apartment, and he couldn't bring himself to face him just yet. The cigarette as well as the beer finally calmed him down and he didn't want to do anything that would start his mind racing again.
"Where you smoking in here?" Asuka's voice sounding more worried than upset, startles him, he didn't hear her come in.
"Yes," Makoto doesn't try to deny it, even with the aroma of the cooking food he is sure that Asuka can smell the cigarette, "I had a 'moment'.
"Are you ok?" Asuka quickly crosses to him and puts her hand gently on his back.
Makoto shrugs and stands, "I am now that you are here." He wraps his arms around his wife and buries his nose in her hair. She smells like the hospital, artificial flowers and the under lying scent of antiseptic. He has never understood why modern science cannot invent something that can hide the harsh scent of sterilization products, or why they seemed to stubbornly cling to everything that came within three meters of them.
"I am sorry I am late," Asuka leans herself into Makoto's embrace, "there was a major car accident and we got two new patients right before the end of my shift."
"Well if you were there I am sure they got the best care." Makoto pulls back from his wife so that he can kiss her on the nose. Before he does he notices her harried look, her usually neat hair has fallen out from the tight ponytail that she wears to work, sticking up all around her face, it makes him giggle.
"What is so funny about that?" Asuka raises an eyebrow at him.
"You look like maybe you were in the car wreck as well." Makoto remembers why he pushed away from his wife, leaning in delivers the kiss to the tip of her nose.
"I feel like I was," She frowns and sniffs, "And you have burned dinner again."
"Shit!" Makoto had forgotten about the steak that he had left browning in the pan. He quickly removes the pan from the burner, the contents resembling black strips of leather. He dumps the burnt food into the trash. "What do you say to being treated to a nice meal out?"
Makoto can see his wife contemplate whether they can afford to eat out, neither of their jobs paid that great and Makoto was still paying off his hospital bills. Makoto returns the pan to the stove and turns off the burner. It is time to pull out his secret weapon. He grabs his wife and pulls her to him, "Please, Please, Please," He rumbles in her ear and then pulls the soft earlobe into his mouth and gently begins to suck on it.
"Alright," Asuka half gasps, half giggles from the sensation, "but let me take a shower first." She pushes her husband away and heads for the bedroom.
"Good idea," Makoto follows her, a devilish smile on his lips, "a shower is a very good idea."
Asuka had insisted on showering alone, which had put a slight damper on the good mood that Makoto had found himself in after she had returned home. But he had been allowed to pick the restaurant and she had hinted at better things to come after they had returned from dinner, which had perked him up again.
The noodle shop that he chose was only a few blocks from the apartment, he had debated taking her to a nicer one that they would have needed the car to get to, but the closer the restaurant the sooner they could eat and get back home for dessert.
They held hands as they walked, Makoto telling her about his day. His job was boring, but the two men who he shared an office with, Sanji and Erisu, were not. From the day he had started working he had been witness to their antics. For three years the two had been trying to pull the perfect practical joke on each other. In the year that Makoto had been at the company they had sent each other strippers, both male and female, had each others cars towed, and sent each other novelty products of a rather dirty nature. That morning Makoto had walked into the office to find Sanji glued to his phone and later in the day in retaliation Erisu had to leave work early due to a sudden bout of stomach cramps brought on by an over dose of laxatives that Sanji had somehow slipped into his coffee. By the time they reached the restaurant Makoto had his wife laughing so hard that she had tears in her eyes.
The service at the noodle shop was surprisingly good and with in ten minutes of being seated they both had steaming bowls of spicy shrimp in front of them. Asuka then told him about her day. Her accounts were never humorous, she worked in the brain trauma ward, Makoto sometimes felt uncomfortable about the things that she told him, but it helped her to relax after working so he always did his best to pay attention to her and not to let her see that it bothered him.
She told him about an elderly woman who had been the victim of a terrible stroke who's children had removed her from life support and about the two new patients that had been the reason that she had been late getting home, both young women, both not likely to regain consciousness. As she told him these stories her brow had wrinkled, something that only happened when she was sad.
When she switched topics and began to complain about the obnoxious foreigner who was at the hospital everyday Makoto was glad. The foreigner was one of her favorite topics. She had disliked him from the first time she had to interact with him. She thought that he was rude and demanding, he had somehow forced the hospital administrators to break almost every policy regarding patients. He had changed the furniture in the room of the patient that he visited, which was against hospital rules, he came and went at what ever time he pleased never adhering to regular visiting hours. He played loud music that, though no one ever complained, she was sure must bother the real relatives of other patients, and what bothered her the most was the way the man would sit at the side of the bed of the young comatose man for hours, not moving, not speaking, just sitting with a glazed over expression. It made her nervous.
Makoto knew from Asuka's past tirades that the patient that the man visited didn't seem to have any relatives. That the foreigner was the only one who ever came to see him and that it was the foreigner who paid for his hospital bills. Makoto thought that at least the comatose patient had someone to care about him. After all Makoto had been in the same boat himself. He had been in his coma for nearly a month and during that time, Asuka had been the only visitor that had come to see him. But he didn't dare say this out loud, the one time he had vaguely pointed out the similarities to Asuka she hadn't talked to him for three days. So instead he just drank his sake and ate his dinner, nodding when he felt it was appropriate.
After Asuka had finished complaining she fell silent for a few minutes, stirring the uneaten portion in the bowl in front of her. "I keep thinking about those two girls," It took Makoto a moment to realize that she had switched topics again, "they are so young, younger than me and you."
"You never know," Makoto shrugged, "they could wake up tomorrow, I mean look at me."
Asuka did, her large brown eyes filled with an emotion that Makoto couldn't quite place, "It just makes me think about how fast things can happen, how life can just pass by. And I don't want to be one of those people who wakes up and realizes that I lost my chance, do you?"
"Asuka," Makoto reaches across the table and takes her hand in his, "I am living my second chance, and I know how fragile life can be."
"I think we should start trying to have a baby," Asuka squeezed Makoto's hand.
"No!" He shouted and was standing on his feet before he knew what had happened. The other people in the restaurant were all staring at him. His face turning red he sat back down. The look on his wife's face had gone very cold. Thinking quickly he tried to do damage control. "I mean, we haven't even been married a full year, and I have so many bills left to pay and our apartment is so small.." He never got a chance to finish, Asuka was on her feet and walking briskly to the exit.
"Shit." He said as he watched her walk out the door with out looking back, "shit, shit, shit." He thinks about running after her, but decides it is best to let her calm down first so he orders another bottle of sake instead.